


It's The Feeling That You've Lost It

by Exterminatorviolence



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Fluff, M/M, Super Ray-Centric, happy ending!, self-indulgent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-23 07:45:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3760216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Exterminatorviolence/pseuds/Exterminatorviolence
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray is twenty four and his whole world revolves around Joel Heyman. Joel and his stupid face, and stupid laugh that makes Ray’s heart jump. Joel and his stupid charm that makes Ray stutter and blush like a middle schooler.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's The Feeling That You've Lost It

**Author's Note:**

> A very, very self indulgent fic I decided to write. I didn't expect it to be eight thousand words, but, yeah, that happened. And I've had some people asking if I'm going to keep writing Joelay even though Ray has left, and the answer is yes. I love writing them two, so I will continue to write the pairing. 
> 
> I'd like to thank xskyzx for encouraging me to finish this and to post it.

Ray shouldn't have come. He was stupid in letting Michael and Gavin talk him into coming to the bar for Rooster Teeth’s anniversary. He’s heartbreakingly sober and watching Joel fucking Heyman from across the bar who has decided that bringing his girlfriend to the celebration was a good idea.

“She doesn't even work for Rooster Teeth,” Ray mutters bitterly.

“What’d you say, X-Ray?” Gavin slurs next to him.

“Nothing, nothing. Go back to drinking, idiot.” Ray laughs him off and Gavin goes back to talking with Chris. “Hey, I’m gonna go, okay? I don’t feel too well.” He waves bye to Gavin and walks out of the bar.

Ray is twenty four and his whole world revolves around Joel Heyman. Joel and his stupid face, and stupid laugh that makes Ray’s heart jump. Joel and his stupid charm that makes Ray stutter and blush like a middle schooler.

Ray’s breath is visible in the night air, and he wonders why it’s still so cold when it’s supposed to be April. He saw Geoff’s worried glance when he slipped out of the bar and he hopes no one follows him. Except he wouldn't mind too much if Joel decided to follow him. He won’t though, he’s too wrapped up in _her_.

\-----

Ray is twenty, and he’s starting his first day at Rooster Teeth. He’s been living in Austin, Texas for two weeks now, and his heart is hammering with nerves. Michael comes to pick him up, and he’s thankful he doesn't have to show up on his first day alone.

“Don’t worry,” Michael says. “They’ll love you. And, Barbara’s excited to meet you and show you around.”

“Yeah, me too.” Ray says, ever so elegantly.

And yeah, Barbara is there to greet him. A bubbly blonde who throws a pun in the second sentence she says, making Michael groan and Ray laugh.

“I heard your favorite character in Red Vs. Blue is Caboose,” Barbara says as she shows Ray around the building. She’s smiling and there’s a mischievous twinkle in her eye. “C’mon, I got a surprise for you.”

She leads them to an office and opens the door wide, shouting, “J-Roll! I brought you a real life fan!”

And Ray’s panicking; face red, and eyes wide because Joel Heyman is sitting right there, not ten feet away, looking up at them with a blank expression.

“Uh, hi,” Ray squeaks.

“Hey, there,” Joel waves and then smiles. Ray’s heart stutters.

“Get to know each other. I’ll see you later, Ray.” Barbara winks then leaves, shutting the door.

A beat. Then, “So, what can I do for you…?”

“Ray.” The younger man fills in a little too quickly.

“Ray.” Joel repeats with a smile.

\-----

Ray is twenty two when he realizes he’s in love with Joel Heyman. He’s not that shocked by the realization. He’s been feeling those stupid butterflies in his stomach ever since he met Joel. The two have grown closer than Ray ever thought possible, getting to the point where one would stay the night at the other’s with an excuse of it being “too late to go home”.

“Huh,” Ray says when he fully comprehends it. He’s hanging out at Michael’s with Gavin.

“‘Huh’, what?” Michael asks.

“Uh, nothing, nothing,” Ray stutters, cursing when he feels his face go red.

Gavin laughs. “It doesn't seem like nothing! Your face is red!”

“It’s just hot out! It’s fucking, July, Gav,” Ray tries to defend himself.

“C’mon, tell us!” Michael shoves Ray.

Ray scratches the back of his neck. “It’s just, I think I like someone,”

“Is it Joel?” Michael guesses.

“What?” Ray splutters. “How did you guess that?”

“Please,” The Brit scoffs. “It’s so obvious. You make heart eyes at him whenever you see him,”

“Shuttup,”

Michael gets up from the couch, “I’m gonna get bevs. You want bevs? Well, diet Coke for you, Ray,”

Ray’s head falls into his hands. “What am I supposed to do?”

“You should tell him, mate. He looks at you too, you know,” Gavin suggests, squeezing Ray’s shoulder.

“What if he laughs at me?” Ray groans.

He can hear Michael laugh from the kitchen. “Please, he’s not an asshole! He won’t laugh at you, dumbass.” Ray makes a dying sound into his hands.

Michael walks back into the living room, balancing three drinks in his hands. He swears when he spills some onto the carpet. He hands them off to his friends.

“Ah, ah,” Michael scolds. “Put them on the coaster! Lindsay will kill me if there’s a ring stain on the coffee table,”

Gavin grumbles as he sets his drink on a coaster. “Seriously, just tell him. You’ll regret it if you don’t,” He says, rather somberly. Ray looks up between his fingers at him and see’s him looking at Michael with sadness in his eyes. Ray’s chest pulses in sympathy.

\-----

Ray is twenty two, four days from turning twenty three when he decides to tell Joel how he feels.

They’re at a small diner and Ray swears his heart is going to explode and kill him. (Looking back, Ray doesn't think that would've been such a bad thing.)

The waitress, a pretty red head named Tracey takes their order. She’s smiling extra wide at Joel and pushing her chest out. She’s not really Ray’s type, but he see’s Joel’s eyes linger and his smile turn charming. And Ray suddenly feels like a child. His tongue is too thick for his mouth, and he can’t breathe with the words that are trying to rip free from his throat.

He’s had this feeling before, when his parents were fighting one night when he was twelve. He decided to speak the words that were choking him. It was a mistake. It caused his dad to stop and stare at him, before saying he was leaving and not coming back. Four years later, his mom left too and Ray was passed around from group home to group home.

And now, sitting in this diner with the love of his life, watching him flirt with the redhead waitress, Ray feels like that stupid kid again. He won't say those words. He won't make that mistake again.   

Everyone he loves abandons him eventually, Ray thinks as he watches the waitress slide her number across to Joel, maybe it’s better if Joel was kept in the dark about it.

It’s three weeks later when Joel comes up to Ray at work thanking him. He thanks Ray for suggesting they go to the small diner instead of somewhere else, because he thinks he’s in love with Tracey. Ray nods, somewhat detached, lips pressing too tight together so his bottom lip won’t tremble.

\-----

Ray’s twenty three when he finally breaks. He can’t stand to be around the building anymore, always paranoid he might run into _Joel and Tracey_. They were always together, connected by the hip, inseparable. Joel’s so entranced by her that he barely notices when Ray makes half assed excuses as to why he can’t hang out. Soon enough, he just stops asking. And Ray hates to admit it, but they look fucking good together. They look like a storybook couple, and part of Ray thinks they're the real deal; that they're forever. He hates it.

Ray tells everyone that he’s going back up to New York to visit family. Michael’s the only one to look at him strangely, but thankfully, he doesn't say anything. He packs everything up and leaves in May, saying he’ll be back in a week, he promises.

Only he doesn't drive up to New York. He drives all day and half the night and lands in Omaha, Nebraska. Some random place in the middle of nowhere. It’s two thirty in the morning and he can barely make out a neon sign on the horizon in the distance. The radio is playing the top twenty country songs and keeps cutting in and out.

He stops when he gets to the neon sign. It’s a bar unsurprisingly, called, the _Pageturner’s Lounge_. How depressingly poetic.

It’s virtually empty when he walks in, save for the two bartenders and a group of loud teenagers in the corner. He takes a seat at the bar, his fingers tapping on the sticky surface.

The bartender who slides over to him has a name tag on that reads, _Hi! My name is: Conor_. There’s a frowny face drawn in the second _O_. “What d’you want?” His voice is wavery and it trembles slightly when he talks. His hair is greasy and hanging in his face, and his light blue button down shirt is too big even with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows.

“Uh,” Ray hasn't ever ordered alcohol from a bar before. “A shot of whiskey?” He decides on, rather uncertain.

The bartender shrugs and is back a minute later with a shot glass filled with amber liquid. “Jack Daniels, on the house. Hell, the next five shots are on the house. Just, uh, don’t tell Tim, the other bartender. He’ll get upset,”

Ray knocks the drink back, coughing violently after, eyes watering. He can feel the burn travel all the way down to his stomach. He’s found the taste in the past disgusting, but finds that he doesn't really mind it too much now.

“Your first time?” Conor asks, laughing slightly. “With shots, I mean,”

“Was it that obvious?”

“Only a little. You want another one?”

Ray nods. “Please,"

When Conor comes back, he’s holding two shots. “One for you, one for me,” He explains. Ray chuckles and they both take their shot. The burn is significantly less this time, but Ray still makes a face at the taste.

Ray leans his elbow against the bar and rests his head on his hand. He peers up at Conor, eyes slightly narrowed. “Why’d you give me free alcohol?”

Conor shrugs. “Why not? You looked a little wide eyed when you walked in, you got that heartbreak look in your eyes, and you’re obviously not from around here,” The bell over the door dings as the teenagers take their leave.

“Whataya mean, ‘that heartbreak look’?”

“There’s a broken look that people get in their eyes when their hearts break for the first time. See it in yours, that’s all.”

“M’not ‘heartbroken’...I’m just...Broken,”

Conor whistles low. “Wow, man, that seems like some deep shit. Lemme get you another drink,”

Ray feels like every cliche in the book. Sitting alone making chit chat with the bartender over his broken heart in the middle of bumfuck Nebraska. He’s watching the ceiling fan sway back and forth thinking his life could be a fucking country song.

“Hey, I got Tim to make you a cocktail, a Broken Heart Cocktail more specifically,” He slides it across to Ray. “Go, on, try it. You’ll like it,” He encourages.

Ray hesitantly takes a sip and swallows slowly, smiling. “Thanks. How come you couldn't make it?”

“Ah, I don’t do mixed drinks well. Mostly shots and beers and rum and Cokes kinda thing,” Conor explains. “So, you wanna fill out the whole cliche and tell the bartender what’s wrong?”

“Ha,” Ray laughs. “And yes, yes I would love too,” He feels like he’s floating, his head is swimming. “It’s just, I _love_ him, and, and I was gonna tell him, you know? My heart nearly exploded when I first met him,” He pauses.

“Love at first sight?”

“Yeah,” Ray agrees bitterly. “Something like that. But we went to a diner to celebrate our birthdays --they’re right next to each other-- and I was gonna be all, ‘Oh, I love you, please love me back,’ But then this waitress comes over and fucking seduces him with her tits,”

Conor looks thoughtful for a minute. “Ah, yes, those things that women possess that steal our men away,” He pauses. “You didn't try telling him after?”

Ray shakes his head. “No...What good would it have done? He thanked me three weeks later. Thinks he’s in love,” His head has slid down to rest his head on his arm which is laying flat on the bar top. “I coulda made him happy...I mean, if he wasn't happy already,” He finishes his cocktail. His stomach feels almost permanently warm now. After the initial disgust, he finds himself smiling slightly. The alcohol has proven to be a nice, warm friend. Well that, and the friendly bartender handing him free drinks.

“Jeez, he’s in that deep huh? You know,” Conor leans forward, elbows leaning on the bar. “I don’t think it’s ever really too late.”

Ray makes an incomprehensible noise of confusion. “I just, wait what?”

“Just trust me, kid,”

“Why does everyone keep calling me kid?”

“You look like a kid, how old are you anyway? Twenty two?”

“Twenty _three_ thank you very much,”

Conor snorts, “Twenty three, God, you _are_ still a kid,”

“Well, well, how old are you? Mr. Bartender-With-A-Frowny-Face-On-His-Name-Tag,”

“He’s only twenty eight,” A deeper voice answers. It makes Conor jump slightly and turn around.

Ray laughs, loud and unreserved. “Thank you, uh, other bartender person,”  What was his name again? Trevor? Todd? Tom? Tim? Tim!

Conor grumbles, pouting a little, “I’m wise! Especially for twenty eight,” He turns to Ray. “Tim’s thinking he’s all high and mighty for being thirty four,”

“I’m also here to unfortunately say it’s just hitting three and we’re closing,”

Ray’s face drops slightly. “Oh, yeah, totally. I’ll just, uh…”

“Do you have anywhere to stay?” Conor asks.

“Not, uh, not really.”

“Give us a sec,” Conor pulls Tim away. Ray can hear them whispering and he hopes Tim isn't angry about the free drinks that Conor’s given him. “Back,” Conor grins. “You wanna stay with us for the night? We live upstairs,”

Ray lifts his head up off the bar. “Really? You guys wouldn't mind?”

Tim shakes his head. “Yeah, really. Heartbreaks tough, kid. We get it.”

Ray smiles wide and thankful. “Thank you soooo much. Means a lot t’me.” His face is warm and he can’t feel his lips, but his frozen, cracked heart seems to thaw slightly from these strangers kindness.

\-----

Ray is twenty three and has spent a month with Tim and Conor when he starts to see them as family. He still thinks about his Rooster Teeth family, and yes, he misses them terribly, but the butterflies that used to be in his stomach from seeing Joel’s smile have turned to ugly moth’s that erupt whenever he thinks of him. The fear of seeing him again prevents him from going back.

Ray’s thoughts are interrupted when Tim slides next to him behind the bar. “Kid, closing time. You okay?”

“Yeah,” Ray nods. “I was just thinking,”

“You never wanna do that,” Tim jokes, bumping shoulders with the younger man. “You go upstairs, me and Conor’ll close up down here,”

Ray nods gratefully. “Thanks,” He starts to leave and then stops and turns. “I’m not gonna like, come back down in an hour to find you and Conor doing the do down here, right?”

Conor’s face goes red, and Tim laughs. “Nah, we've already scarred you once. We’ll be up in a few.”

“Yeah.” Conor squeaks. Ray laughs and walks upstairs to the apartment.

It hasn't felt like a month has passed since Ray officially moved in. He sits down on the bed and sighs, long and loud. He looks at his phone and sighs again at the Four New Messages that stares up at him. He knows they’re all from Michael, and maybe one from Gavin.

He readies himself and brings the phone up to his ear to listen to the first message.  

_What the FUCK dude! Where the hell are you? At least fucking call me back to let me know you’re not fucking DEAD somewhere! We’re all fucking terrified! Gavin’s worried fucking sick and Geoff is starting to do his weird fucking dad thing where he acts fatherly to all of us. FUCKING CALL ME BACK YOU DICK! I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND! IT’S BEEN A GODDAMN MONTH, YOU PRICK!_

Well, shit. Ray breathes out the breath he didn't realize he was holding and decides to forgo the rest of the messages. They’re all probably the same anyway. Maybe he should call Michael, but it is four in the morning. He bites his lip and he stares at his phone. Fuck it. He dials the number, holding his breath as it rings.

“YOU DICK!” Is the greeting he gets after the second ring.

“Hey to you too,” Ray awkwardly says.

“Finally decided to call your _best fucking friend_ huh?! And at,” There’s some shuffling around. “Four in the fucking morning? The hell, man! Where are you?”

“Uh, Omaha?”

“Where?”

Ray clears his throat, “Omaha, Nebraska,”

“Fucking, Nebraska? What the shit, man. Is this because of Joel? I swear to fucking _God_ I will rip his fucking throat out!”

“No, no, please don’t do that,” Ray rolls over onto his side. “It’s nothing. I just needed to get away. Really, that’s all. I’ll be back so --”

“Don’t you fucking dare tell me something that isn't true. You tell me the fucking truth right the fuck now,”

“It’s really...I don’t know, okay? I like it here. I've made friends, hell family here. And I've forgotten about Joel, kind of, well not really, but, like,” He sighs. “I like it here. Tell everyone that I’m fine, and you know, not dead,”

He hears more shuffling and then the sound of Michael walking. “You bitch. You owe me more than just a ten minute conversation at ass o’clock on the morning. Where are you staying? How do you know people there?”

“It’s kind of a long story,”

“Yeah. I have time,”

Ray waves a hand around in the air even though Michael can’t see it. “I went to a bar called the _Pageturner’s Lounge_ , got drunk, talked to the bartender, made friends with the two bartenders and ended up living with them and working in said bar,”

“What, like some kind of weird polygamous relationship?” Michael laughs.

“Oh, God, no. First of all, not my type, second of all, both would probably try to kill me if I made a move on either of them,” He sighs again. “I do miss you guys, you know,”

It goes so quiet on the other side of the phone that Ray thinks for a second Michael has hung up. “Yeah...We miss you too, buddy. I uh, proposed to Lindsay. She said yes...We’re getting married in a year. I’d, well both me and Lindsay, would love it if you came. I mean, only if you want too,”

And wow, that’s some serious news. Ray feels a pang in his heart because he remembers how Gavin would look at Michael with that heartbreak look in his eyes. He wonders if Gavin drank himself to sleep when he heard the news, or if he was already over Michael. If he is, Ray would love to know his secret.

“Do you think you’ll come down?” Michael’s voice interrupts Ray’s thoughts.

“Uh, yeah. I wouldn't miss it for the world, man. Next year?"

“Yeah, May ninth. She picked the date. Gavin and Geoff are throwing me a bachelor party before that, but you don’t have to come to that if you don’t want too,”

“Oh, uh, yeah, nah man, I’ll...I’ll totally be there. I don’t know...No, no, I’ll be there. For the party and the wedding. Promise,”

Ray can hear Michael’s smile through the phone, “And look, I gotta go. It _is_  four in the morning and all, but, call me later alright?”

“I will.”

“Promise?”

Ray laughs. “Pinky promise.”

\-----

It’s November when he see’s Michael and Gavin again. It’s just hitting eleven o’clock when they walk into the bar and surprise him, and he thinks they’re a little surprised to see him too.

“Out of all the shitty bars in Omaha, you pick this one,” Ray says when he gets to them.

Michael laughs, leaning his arms on the bar. “Yeah, Gavin’s a sucker for weird bar names,” And yes, that’s true, Ray still remembers when the Brit dragged them to The _Wakamba’s Lounge_.

“Besides, we found you!” Gavin adds. “So this place can’t be all bad,”

“Yeah, this place seems, um, popular,” Michael says as he looks around. There’s only one other person in the bar and he’s been there for an hour and has gone through four beers.

“Yeah, yeah, ha, ha you’re so fucking funny,” Ray rolls his eyes. “Do you guys want drinks or not?”

“I want a fruity drink!” Gavin shouts excitingly.

Michael looks at Gavin. “The hell is wrong with you?” He turns to Ray. “I’ll just have a beer,”

Ray nods and goes to find Tim. He’s fallen under the Conor category of only serving beers, shots. and simple drinks. Tim still needs to make all the complicated drinks, much to his annoyance.

“Timmy!” Ray says excitingly as he sidles up to him. “Got a customer who wants a fruity drink,”

“I’ll make him something,” Tim sighs. “How come you guys can’t bother to learn how to make fancy drinks?”

“Because,” Ray starts. “You know we’d fuck it up...And you love us too much to make us learn,”

“Yeah, yeah,” He grumbles. “Loving you guys is painful.”

Ray laughs, and brings the beer back over to Michael. His smile fades slightly when he see’s Conor already over there, handing over free shots to Gavin. Shit. Conor only ever does that when he see’s heartbreak. Shit shit _shit_.

“Hey, Conor, whatcha...Whatcha doing?” Ray gives him a nervous smile.

“Giving your friend some free shots. Only one, promise,” Conor pouts. “Also, how come you didn't introduce me yet?”

Ray points at his friends. “Michael, Gavin,” He points to Conor. “This is Conor. There. Introduced,”

“Much better,” Conor grins.

Ray tugs on Conor’s arm. “Could I talk to you for a second?” He drags him to the side.

“What?”

“You can’t give Gavin free shots!” Ray hisses.

“Why not?”

“Because! That heartbreak look in his eyes is for Michael! And Michael’s getting married in May so please! No heartfelt conversations...Go talk to the creepy, drunk guy,”

Conor makes a face. “Fine...No free drinks for sad Gavin.” He sulks over to Tim and leans against him. Ray shakes his head and let’s out a breath as he heads back over to his friends.

“Sorry about that,” He smiles at them. He swipes the shot off the bar and downs it before Gavin has the chance. They both stare at him, mouths hanging slightly open and eyes wide. Ray furrows his brow. “What?”

“Since when do you drink?” Michael asks, eyes narrowed now.

“Oh,” Ray flushes slightly. “Yeah. I mean, I don’t really drink that often...Only when a customer wants to take a shot together or Conor and Tim wanna drink and be sad,” He shrugs. “Not a big deal,”

“Not a big deal?! You never touched the stuff before! This is because of Joel isn't it? That’s why you haven’t come home!” Michael accuses.

“No, no, that’s not true. Well, it was true at first, but it’s not anymore, seriously. I've been here for as long as I have because I like it here, I love Tim and Conor, they’re like family,” Ray explains.

There’s a beat of awkward silence before Gavin speaks up, “I think that guy over there wants another drink,”

Ray waves a dismissed hand, “Conor or Tim will get him one,”

Michael looks behind Ray and starts laughing, “Yeah, I don’t think so,” Gavin starts laughing too and Ray turns around and groans when he sees Conor sitting on the back counters, Tim standing between his legs, hands buried in the other’s hair.

“Guys! We talked about this! We have customers! Go _upstairs_!” Ray shouts. He throws Michael’s bottle cap at them, hitting Tim in the back.

Tim lifts Conor up off the counter, who wraps his legs around Tim’s waist. Conor’s head is buried in his neck as they awkwardly walk up the stairs to the apartment, Tim throwing a _thanks_ over his shoulder. In the commotion, the drunken guy has gotten up and left the bar.

“Does that happen regularly?” Michael asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Unfortunately, yes,” Ray groans.

“So…” Gavin begins. “I’m gonna be that awkward one who says everyone misses you, please come home,”

“Guys,” Ray sighs. “I get it, loo --”

“Joel misses you too,” Gavin interrupts.

Ray licks his lips and swallows. “So? That doesn't make any difference,”

“Bullshit,” Michael says a little heatedly. He says in a much calmer voice, “Look, me and Lindsay are throwing a Christmas party December twelfth. You should come, Joel will be there,”

“It doesn't matter to me if Joel’s gonna be there or not!”

“Are you sure?” Michael prompts.

Ray glares at him holding his resolve for a minute longer. His shoulders slump in defeat. “Fine, fine, it does,” He shrugs. “I mean, fuck, goddammit, fine. I’ll be there.”

Michael grins, all smug, and he takes a large gulp of his drink. “Awesome.”

\-----

It’s December first when Ray hears Joel’s voice again. It’s a voice mail, but it still makes Ray freeze all the same.

_Hey! It’s uh, it’s Joel. I was gonna call back in September when it still was your birthday, but I got chewed out by Michael a week before so I thought I’d just let you be...But, uh, happy super late birthday I guess. I heard that Michael and Gavin saw you by coincidence last month. Uh, so, are you gonna come back for Christmas possibly? We all miss you, really. I, uh, I miss you too, you know. So, so you should come back to visit... I can barely remember what your face looks like._

The message stops there and Ray’s frozen in place, phone held up to his ear, bottom lip slightly trembling. Fuck. _Fuck_. This wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to be this affected just by hearing Joel’s goddamn voice.

“So, you gonna go back?”

Ray jumps and blinks, tears falling down his face. He turns and sees Tim leaning against the doorway of the bedroom.

“I, uh, I don’t know,” He responds shakily.

Tim walks in and sits on the bed next to Ray. “I think you should. Those people love you too, you know. Michael and Gavin obviously do, and Joel apparently does too,” He nods to the phone still in Ray’s hand.

“Why should I go?” Ray wipes his face. “It’s not like if I go and tell Joel that he’s gonna magically change his mind and decide to love me,”

Tim sighs. “Did Conor ever tell you how we got together?” Ray shakes his head. “Well, I was seeing this girl for about a year, thought I was totally in love with her, right? And Conor’s been one of my best friends since I was a teenager, so when my relationship with this girl was going south, he up and kissed me one night drunk out of his mind.”

“That’s it?”

“Yep, that’s about it,” Tim nods. “From then on, it was just like this,”

“So does that mean like, I should go?”

“Yeah, I think you should. Maybe stay until your friends wedding...I think it would do you some good. It’s never really too late,”

Ray sighs. “So I've been told,”

“Hey,” Tim wraps an arm around Ray’s shoulders. “It’ll be alright,

“I’ll call you guys and come visit, I promise,” Ray hugs Tim tightly.

He hugs Ray back, all big and warm. “Yeah, you better.”

Ray’s all packed up and ready to go back to Austin the next morning. He’s nervous yeah, but he has to face Joel and the rest of them eventually, and maybe Tim and Conor are right, maybe it really isn't too late. Before he goes, Conor hugs him tightly outside the bar and gives him a novelty Omaha shot glass.

“You know,” He says. “For taking your whiskey virginity and showing you the wonders of alcohol.”

“Good luck, kid,” Tim adds. “And remember, you always have this home to come back too if you need too.”

“Thanks, guys. Seriously, for everything.” And no, Ray’s not getting teary eyed, really, he’s not.

\-----

Ray’s somewhere in Oklahoma when it really hits him that he’s really going back. He’s really seeing Joel again after eight months.

Maybe Joel has changed. Maybe he changed his hair or his smile has turned ugly. Maybe he’s lost that certain, stupid, charm that made Ray fall for him in the first place. Maybe Ray will finally be free from his stupid hold.

Yeah, and maybe tomorrow Ray will hate video games.

\-----

Ray’s twenty four when he lays his eyes on Joel. And Christ, he looks the same. Like a photograph has been taken a year ago and that’s what Ray’s looking at now. And next to him is Tracey, looking just a little older but no less beautiful much to Ray’s annoyance.

Ray doesn't know what to say. He knows what he wants to say, maybe fuck you, or I love you, so he just let’s Joel hug him and say how much he’s missed his friend. He let’s Tracy hug him too out of politeness. He gives them both a stiff smile and goes to find Geoff.

Geoff hugs Ray so tight, he worries he’ll have bruises after. “The fuck man? I hear from Michael that you’ve gone to Omaha and made friends?”

“Yeah, sorry, Geoff,” Ray rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. “And I didn't really make friends, but I made family, there.”

Geoff smiles like he’s proud. “That’s great, man, really. We’ve all missed you so much, man. Joel was a wreck for a month, Michael yelled at him for a half hour until Lindsay came and dragged him off,” He takes a breath. “But we do wanna hear all about your journey. And if you want, you job is still available. No one touched a thing on your desk. Oh, and Michael and Gavin made sure that your apartment is still, you know, your apartment.”

“Really? Thanks. I've missed you guys a lot too,” Ray coughs. “I, uh, saw Joel and Tracey when I came in. Did, did Michael tell you why I left?”

The older man nods and smiles sadly. “If it makes you feel any better, I don’t really like Tracey either. Some of us are gonna go out and get some food, you wanna come?”

“Sure, I've missed Austin’s food.” Ray laughs.

At Jersey Mikes, no one asks Ray about why he left, only how his trip was and about the people he’s met. He surprises everyone when he orders a beer instead of his usual diet Coke, and he tells the story of how he lost his alcohol virginity and how he’s acquired a certain taste for beer. He shows them all his Omaha shot glass and Geoff looks on like a proud dad.

“See, told you, you’d be fixed.” Joel says, tipping his beer to him. He thinks about how Joel has tried so hard to get him to drink, and pointedly ignores the almost hurt look Joel gives him.

Barbara says that Ray needs to invite Tim and Conor down because she wants to meet the people who made her little Ray grow up. Everyone else agrees until he relents, promising to invite them down to Austin sometime soon. All in all, no one makes it awkward, and no one makes him feel bad for needing to leave.

“I uh, I better go...You know, moving back into my apartment and all that,” Ray stands up to leave, waving his friends goodbye.

“Do you want any help with that?” Joel asks, standing up awkwardly and walking with Ray out of the restaurant.

Ray shrugs. “I guess, yeah. Thanks.”  

They walk in a companionable silence until Ray’s phone buzzes with a text message that reads:

_Hope you found your way back to Austin without getting into a crash. Give us a call when you have a chance : ) -Conor x Tim_

Ray smiles when he reads it, sending back a quick _will do!_ before tucking his phone back into his pocket.

“Who was that?” Joel asks. His hands are shoved deep into his hoodie pockets and for the first time that Ray can remember, Joel looks nervous.

“Oh, just Conor and Tim checking in, making sure I’m not dead,” Ray waves a hand in dismissal.

Joel nods and opens his mouth to say something, but closes it, shaking his head. “Are you, are you gonna go to Michael and Lindsay’s party?”

“Yeah, probably, you?”

“Uh, Trace actually wanted to do something together, so I don’t know if I’m gonna go,” He shrugs.

Ray frowns. “Oh, I mean, yeah. It’s around Christmas and everything, you know, all that snow and love stuff.”

“Yeah,” The older man agrees. “Snow and love stuff…You know, I am really happy that you’re back, there’s been no one to kick my ass at Halo since,”

“What, Burnie and Jack weren't enough?” Ray laughs, nudging his shoulder against Joel’s.

“Please, I could beat them in Halo fucking blindfolded,”

“Hm,” Ray says, thinking. “Maybe we can play a round or too after I unpack some stuff.” He unlocks his apartment, sighing at the warm air that hits him in the face.

“Oh, you are so on.” Joel ruffles Ray’s hair playfully, before dodging the shove that comes his way.

\-----

Ray is twenty four when he loses his virginity to none other than Joel Heyman.

He’s at the Christmas party, drink in hand, watching everyone dance or talk to one another. He’s never really been one for parties, liking to mostly keep to himself, but he’s amongst friends, and he couldn't be happier. Gavin comes with a girl who he introduces as Meg, and he looks at her with the same eyes that used to only be for Michael. Ray’s happy that Gavin has found someone else to give his love too, and he isn't jealous at all that he someone managed to move on. He’s not.

It’s around midnight when Ray finds himself alone talking to Joel in the hallway, leaning against the wall. It’s obvious that Joel’s more than a little drunk, and Ray’s a little tipsy himself; smiling more than he would at Joel’s stupid jokes and not minding that Joel’s leaning in just a little too close to be strictly “friendly”.

“I’m really happy you decided to come, you know,” Ray says in a voice barely above a whisper.

Joel leans in closer, their foreheads almost touching. “Me too,” His eyes keep flicking down to Ray’s lips, then back up to his eyes. Ray’s face is flushed, and he licks his lips. Joel leans closer. “Hey, Ray,” Closer.

“Yeah?”

Closer. “Merry Christmas,” Joel closes the gap between them, soft lips meeting Ray’s slightly chapped ones.

Ray’s eyes flutter close, and he knows he should stop, should push Joel away, but God help him, he can’t. He fists his hands in Joel’s shirt, pulling him closer, pressing their bodies flush together. He gasps when Joel swipes his tongue across his lower lip, and outright moans when he feels hands on his lower back.

The kiss is filthy, Joel practically trying to count Ray’s teeth with his tongue, but Ray doesn't want it to end. Wants this moment to last forever because this is what he’s always wanted. His heart feels like it’s about to explode and he’s pretty sure there should be fireworks going off in the distance somewhere.

Ray wrenches his mouth from Joel’s to whisper “Bedroom,” when he feels hands start to go up and under his shirt. Joel pulls back and nods, taking his hand and leading them to a guest bedroom.

Ray swears that he’s floating as he falls back onto the bed, pulling Joel down on top of him. His hands are shaking either from nerves or arousal as he tugs on Joel’s shirt trying to get it off.

“Don’t think so much,” Joel whispers as he pulls his shirt off. And wow, Jesus, how many times has Ray thought of this image and jacked off? Way too many to be healthy, he’s sure, but his imagination has absolutely nothing on how Joel looks in person.

“It’s hard to not think when you’re in front of me,” And maybe he should say something about being a virgin, but what if Joel stops because of that? Ray has been waiting so long for this, he doesn't want to say anything that might ruin it now.

Joel chuckles and removes Ray’s shirt, tossing it onto the floor. His eyes sweep over Ray’s torso. “God, you’re beautiful.” He has a dopey smile on his face as he leans down to kiss Ray again, hands sliding down the younger’s sides making him shiver. Ray’s hands slide their way into Joel’s hair, tugging slightly.

Ray’s panting and wanting, breathy gasps and whimpers spilling from his lips when Joel nips at his neck, hips bucking up trying to desperately get some kind of friction. His pants feel too tight, and his hands grapple with his belt trying to get it off. After a considerable amount of struggling, much to Joel’s amusement, they manage to get off their pants, kicking them off the bed with the rest of their clothes.

“Wait, wait, Joel,” Ray says. His breath hitches when Joel’s hand wraps around his cock. “I've never...This is --” He breaks off into a gasp and a moan.

“It’s okay,” Joel reassures, hand gripping just on the side of too much and not enough at the same time. “I've got you,”

“You've gotta, oh fuck,” Ray chokes on a moan, hands gripping Joel’s shoulders.

Joel laughs breathlessly. “We've got all night,” And Jesus, his hand should really, really be illegal because Ray’s pretty sure he’s gonna blow his load after five minutes like some teenager.

“Come on, fuck me,” It’s not very romantic, but Ray’s about to die and he needs something.

He’s rewarded with the feel of a slippery finger pressing up against his entrance and finally. He lets out a ragged breath when the finger presses in. It hurts slightly, but it’s nothing compared to the pleasure he’s getting from Joel’s other hand on his cock and his mouth on his neck.

“I’m not a fucking porcelain doll,” Ray growls out.

“Pushy,” Joel says but he enters a second finger in alongside with the first.

Ray’s head tips back. “Fuck,” He groans, drawing out the word. “Ah, Christ, Joel,” His fingers are probably gripping bruises into Joel’s shoulders, nails biting in to the skin, but he doesn't care, as long as this doesn't ever have to stop. Joel crooks his fingers drawing out a surprised yelp from the younger, making him smirk and do it again. “Oh my God, get in me you asshole,” Ray hisses, head reaching up to kiss him again, all heat and passion.

He lets out a breathy whimper when Joel removes his fingers. He’s not entirely sure where Joel got a condom from, maybe he planned this or maybe he’s just always prepared. He’s in the middle of thinking this when Joel lines his cock up and pushes in. He goes slow which Ray is thankful for, and doesn't stop until he’s bottomed out, hips pressing against each other.

It hurts, being stretched around an actual cock and not just fingers. Joel starts moving his hips, slowly and carefully, letting Ray adjust to the size. He couldn't stop the sounds coming out of his mouth if he tried too, high breathy whimpers every time Joel presses back it, and he’s vaguely aware he sounds a bit like a slut, but Joel Heyman is fucking him and he could care less about how he sounds.

Joel’s eyes never leave Ray’s face, watching at his eyes slide close and his mouth slides open. His cheeks are flushed red and his hair is messed up, some pieces sticking to his forehead. He’s gorgeous.

It’s over before it really starts, at least that’s how it feels to Ray. Joel get’s a hand around his cock again and he’s done for, not lasting three strokes before he’s spilling over himself and Joel’s hand with a shout. Joel’s not far behind, not used to being in such a tight vice grip, he comes, breathing a groan against Ray’s lips.

They stay still for a minute, both blissed out in a post orgasm haze. Joel’s the first to move, pulling out of Ray and disposing of the used condom. Ray watches him with half lidded eyes, his brain still trying to work through what actually just happened.

“Hey,” Joel whispers, brushing some hair from Ray’s forehead. “We gotta get out of here, it’s neither of our apartments.” Ray agrees and they slowly get redressed, laughing when they find Ray’s glasses under the bed.

Back at the party, no one seems to have noticed their absence and they both say their goodbyes.

“Why are you guys leaving together?” Michael asks, eyes narrowed suspiciously.

“I’m driving him back to his place, he doesn't wanna drive,” Ray easily lies, shrugging a bit for nonchalance. Michael seems to buy it as he lets them leave without another question.

They’re in Ray’s car when he asks, “You wanna spend the night at my place?”

Joel grins over at him from the passenger seat. “I was wondering when you were gonna ask.”

\-----

It’s the middle of February when someone finds out about Joel and Ray’s affair. It’s Michael who finds out, cornering him in the office when he comes back from his lunch break. Everyone else is still out.  

“What the fuck, man?” He hisses, arms crossed, and eyes burning with disappointment.

Ray feels that prickling nervousness in his stomach. “What do you mean?”

“You’re sleeping with Joel!” Michael accuses.

“What?” He splutters. “We’re not, we’re not sleeping together!” He stutters out.

Michael narrows his eyes. “Bullshit. Where the hell did you just come from huh?”

“My lunch break…?” Ray trails off into a question.

Michael scoffs. “Your shirts on backwards dumbass,”

Ray’s face goes red. He looks down and dammit, his shirt _is_  on backwards. “Okay, I was with Joel,” He finally admits, hanging his head in defeat.

“Are you fucking serious?! He’s still with Tracey and you guys just thought it was okay to start screwing around?!” Michael’s furious.

“It’s not just screwing around,” Ray defends. “We go out to dinner and he comes over to watch movies, too,” He knows it’s a feeble excuse though.

“Ray, look. I love you. You’re my best friend. But this is not a good idea. People are only going to get more hurt and what if Tracey finds out huh? What if she makes Joel choose between you and her? Do you think he’ll choose you?”

Ray’s eyebrows furrow. He opens his mouth to respond, then closes it. “Y-You’re right,” He hates to admit it, but he knows Joel would choose Tracey over him if he had too. It makes his heart sink, but it’s true. He sighs, he needs to stop whatever it is they’re doing.

“I’m sorry, man,” Michael lays a hand on his shoulder. “Really. This sucks, but you don’t wanna make it worse for yourself in the end,”

“Yeah,” And Ray can’t remember when he started crying, but when he wipes his face, his hand comes away wet. “This all fucking sucks.”

\-----

Ray is twenty four and he’s alone on a celebration day, walking home in the cold weather, and his whole world revolves around Joel Heyman.

He sighs and sticks his hands into his hoodie pockets. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that Joel had to have a better half that wasn't Ray, it’s not fair that the one person Ray had to fall for, is the one who he can't have. None of it is fair.

“But life never is fair,” Ray mutters to himself.

“Hey!” A voice behind him shouts and Ray turns to see Joel running toward him. “Why’d you leave early?”

“I've just been feeling tired lately,” He shrugs. “Where’s Tracey?”

“Oh, uh, I told her I was having a cigarette,” Joel rubs the back of his neck sheepishly.

They’re silent for a few minutes before Ray says, “You should probably get back. She’ll be wondering where you went off too after your cigarette,” And he knows he sounds bitter, but he really can’t help it.

Joel shrugs again. “She probably won’t even notice I’m gone to be honest,”

Ray bites the inside of his cheek. “Even so, I don’t know why you bothered to come find me. It’s not like we’re still sleeping together or something,”

Joel bites his lip. “Yeah, about that, I miss that you know,” Ray scoffs. “Not just the sex. But the hanging out and cuddling and all that stuff too,”

“Yeah well, it’s kinda  hard to do all that shit when you’re in love with someone else,” He can feel the familiar sting of tears at the back of his eyes.

“Is it possible to fall out of love with one person while falling in love with someone else?” Joel’s walking closer to Ray, who’s frozen to the spot. “‘Cause, I mean, I don’t know about you, but there’s been this one person I can’t seem to get out of my head no matter how hard I try.”

“You’re crazy,” Ray says in a voice that’s barely above a whisper. “Fucking crazy.”

Joel smiles and chuckles breathlessly. “Probably. But come on, we could be happy together, couldn't we?”

Ray sighs. “Look, you’re still talking about this while your girlfriend is sitting back in that bar thinking her boyfriend is taking a smoke break. This isn't a conversation to be had while you’re still with someone,”

“You’re right, you’re right,” Joel puts his hands up, surrendering. “I’ll break up with Trace,”

“You’re missing the point,” Ray sighs again. “I don’t want you to go break up with Tracey for me. If you break up with her, I want you to do it because _you_ want to do it, not because you think it’ll make me jump into your arms,”

Joel nods. “Yeah, I get what you’re saying,” He leans his forehead against Ray’s. “I do love you, you know.”

“Yeah,” Ray closes his eyes. “You’re just not _in_ love with me,” He gives Joel a kiss. It’s chaste but filled with a love that makes a lump form in Ray’s throat.

“I could fall in love with you.” Joel tries when their lips part. Both of their eyes are glistening.

“Yeah, I know,” And Ray does know this. “I think... I think you should talk to Tracey about everything that’s just happened. Tell her about our affair, tell her everything. I've waited four years for you, I can wait a little longer.”

“I've done nothing to deserve you,” Joel mumbles, eyes still closed.

Ray huffs out a little laugh. “You exist. That’s more than enough for me. Now go, you got a big conversation ahead of you."

Joel takes a second to pull himself together, before standing up straight. “Yes, yes you’re right. Kiss for good luck?” He asks, smiling. Ray rolls his eyes but gives him a quick peck on the cheek. He watches as Joel walks back to the bar and sighs. Maybe things were starting to look up after all.

\-----

On Ray’s twenty fifth birthday he’s woken up by his phone ringing. He gropes around for it, holding it up to his ear when he finds it.

“Hello?” He’s still mostly asleep, eyes still closed.

“Happy birthday, dickface!” He hears Michael and Gavin shout through the phone.

“Thanks, guys,” Ray laughs. “It’s like, eight in the morning though, man, my birthday landed on a Saturday and I’m going to hang up now to sleep,”

“Wait, wait!” Michael shouts. “We’re throwing you a party later at my house. I know it’s pretty short notice, but you better be here at six,”

“Got it, got it. Six o’clock. I will be there. Bye, guys.”

“Bye, birthday boy!” Gavin yells before Ray hangs up, still smiling.

He tosses his phone back on to the floor and stretches before settling back into the warm cocoon of pillows and sheets.

“Who was that?” Another sleepy voice asks from next to him.

Ray yawns. “Oh, just Michael and Gav being assholes as usual. It’s too early for being awake. Come cuddle me,”

“Only cause it’s your birthday,” Ray smiles as he feels arms wrap around him and he lays his head on the other’s chest. “Love you, Ray.”

“Love you too, Joel.”

Ray is twenty five and everything is finally perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by many songs: Untouchable Face-Ani DiFranco, One For You, One For Me-Bright Eyes, Artifact #1-Conor Oberst, Night At Lake Unknown-Conor Oberst, Daylight Breaks-Cassidy Haley, We Are Nowhere And It's Now-Bright Eyes, Poison Oak-Bright Eyes, and Another Travelin' Song-Bright Eyes. 
> 
> Brownies for anyone who catches a line of dialogue I stole from GTA V. 
> 
> I'd also like to say that updates will be happening soon, but may be slower than usual for the few months. My grandma has passed away and I'm helping my mom with the funeral and wake plans. Thanks for your understanding. 
> 
> As always, thanks for taking the time to read! Kudos' and comments are always appreciated.   
> Follow me on tumblr! ExterminatorViolence.tumblr.com


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